#and then she gave it to me in like 2018 when she got divorced and downsized to a condo

[six-of-ravens]

anyway the current mental argument I'm having is that I "should have" spent probably $100+ and dozens of hours fixing my old quilt instead of buying a new $20 blanket from walmart.

listen, there are holes in this thing so big I can fit my foot through them (and on multiple occasions have woken up like that). it's a secondhand, mass manufactured quilt and it did die before its time because my old washing machine was an absolute menace and wore holes in it immediately, but also it's not like some family heirloom that I should feel awful about replacing!! brain, stop beating yourself up for being a normal human!!

[thunderbunny24]

Second Chance at Love

Here is the first of hopefully many parts to this story. I hope whoever finds this likes it. If you find any major grammar or spelling errors, please let me know. The starting time for this story is January 2024. Story is based on Matthew Lillard the person, not any of his characters.

Summary - Matthew is a widower who hasn't had a serious relationship since his wife's death. You are divorced and scared to try again. Both of you just want to live a happy, lowkey Hollywood life.

Part 1

            In the back parking lot of Reach for the Barres Dance Studio in Glendale, on a gray January afternoon, sat a blue 2018 Audi Q3 with the windows cracked.  You, a 42-year-old woman with shoulder length purple hair, were reading a stack of papers that said Untitled Ari Aster Project on the front page.  You were so focused on what you were reading that you didn’t realize that parents and kids were leaving the studio until your back passengers door opened and your 8-year-old daughter climbed in.

            “Hey mommy!  How’s the script?”  The brown-haired, blue-eyed girl asked as she tossed her dance bag into the seat next to her and buckled in.

            “Hey baby!  It’s good but I don’t think it’s for me.  How was dance?”  You closed the script and put it under your purse in the passenger’s seat.

            “It was good but Mrs. Laura said she needed to talk to you.”  There was a light knock on the driver’s window.  “See.”

            “Hey Stacy!”  Laura said as she waved.

            You rolled down the window and gave Laura your typical meet and greet smile.  “Hi Laura.  What can I help you with?”

“I was hoping we could plan a playdate for our girls soon.  Anna hates that she and Violet don’t go to the same school and was hoping she could come over to your place to play with her.  Us moms can sit around and gossip.  Just some good girl time.”

            The desire for approval in Laura’s eyes softened you a little.  You gave a genuine smile and said, “Let me talk to my assistant and look at our schedules and I’ll text you.”  Laura’s smile widened.  “We’ve got to hit the road, though.  I’ve got to get dinner in this kiddo then I’ve got studio time booked and I hate to be late to that.”

            “Totally understand.”  Laura waved as you rolled up the window and put the car in reverse.

            As the pair of you pulled out of the parking lot, Violet said, “You were in the studio while I was at school today.  Were you fibbing to Mrs. Laura?”  You looked in the rearview mirror to lock eyes with your child and held your finger up to your mouth in a shush motion.  Violet giggled.  “Oh mommy!  You’re silly.”  You shrugged your shoulders while you gave Violet a wink.  “Remember to go to the gas station.  You told me to remind you.”

            “Yes ma’am.  Thank you sweetheart.”  You nod.  “There is one at the next light.  I’ll stop there.”  You pull into the tiny Shell station containing only one pump with a silver 2020 Buick Envision taking up one side of the pump.  You roll the back driver’s window down then turn off your car to get out to start pumping gas.  You were chitchatting with your daughter through the window while the tank filled when you began to feel eyes on you.  You try to ignore it as most fans will just take a picture and then move on, but then you can tell that someone has moved to the front of your car.  You closed your eyes and take a deep breath hoping the person will get the hint and go back to their car.

            “Excuse me.”  You hear a man clear his throat.  Your heart begins to race as a million bad scenarios rush through your mind.  “I’m sorry to bother you.”  You give Violet a look that tells her to be quiet and still.  “Stacy?  Stacy Davis?”  You do a small nod and turn to the person speaking while you place your back against the rear driver’s door in a small attempt to block your daughter from view.

            As your eyes go up from the man’s feet to his face your entire body softens.  You let out a small laugh as you step forward.  “Matthew Lillard.  What are the chances?”  You walk over to him to give the typical celebrity hug that you all seem to come into the business knowing.  Matthew’s hug was different.  It was real.  There was warmth to it that made your heart skip a beat.

            “I’m so sorry to bother you when you are with your daughter, but I heard you talking and instantly recognized the voice.  I couldn’t let this opportunity pass.”  Matthew gave a genuine smile as he pushed his glasses up back into place on the bridge of his nose.

            You waved him over to the open car window.  “Violet, I want you to meet Mr. Matthew Lillard.  He is Shaggy in the live Scooby Doo movies.”  Violet’s eyes lit up.  You looked over at Matthew.  “She loves everything Scooby.”  You smile at your daughter’s excitement.

            Matthew poked his head through the window, smiling at Violet when you hear his Shaggy voice.  “Violet, like, that is my FAVORITE name!  Zoinks!”

            Violet giggled as her cheeks turned a lovely shade of red.  “Thank you Mr. Matthew.”  She turns to look at you.  “Mommy, can I unbuckle and give Mr. Matthew a hug?”

            “Of course sweetheart.  I’ll even take a picture.”

You pull your phone out of your back pocket to snap a quick picture.  Matthew picks Sara up and places her on his hip the same way you used to when she was younger and lighter.  Violet beamed while looking at you saying “Cheese.”

            “You don’t have to call me Mr. Matthew.  Matt is just fine.”  He says as he helps your daughter back into the car.

            Violet shakes her head.  “Mommy said since the divorce, every guy is Mr. No exceptions, until she marries them.”

            Your cheeks turned a bright red.  “That was for any guy I date.  Not every guy we meet.  Lordy child!”  You bite your lip as you look up at Matthew.  “Sorry about that.”

            Matthew gives you a big smile as he touches your arm.  “No worries.  I think it’s a great rule.”  You giggle nervously.  “So, you think you could send me that picture?”  You nod and open up a new text.  You type in his number as he gives you the digits then attach the picture and hit send.  You hear his phone ding.  “It was nice to meet you, Stacy.  I’m a huge fan.”

            “I’m a big fan of yours as well.  Five Nights at Freddy’s was great.  And it was so nice to meet you too.”  You take the gas nozzle and place it back on the pump.  “We probably need to get out of here, though.”

            Matthew reached out to give you another hug then opened your car door for you.  “You ladies have a good rest of your evening.”

            You wave and nod, then close your car door and crank your engine.  You let out a little sigh, turn the radio on and say to Violet over your shoulder, “Let’s get home.”  You pulled out of the gas station and start making your way to Encino.

[9w1ft]

I talked with my kaylor friend about met gala karlie. Baby bump! Black! But she didn't feel as excited as i am cause of jerk. And i said well at least Taylor is free, we should just ignore the jerk. But she seems so mad that she replied "well, Taylor is free for now. Who knows when she gonna tied up again. And this will never end."

Seeing that many fans are also kinda angry with met gala karlie, i hope we as a fandom should take a step back and start thinking more realistically. It will be too obvious if Karlie divorce right after Taylor break up, the media will going wild. I'm sure the girls won't want that. It will take a while for karlie, probably few months, to be free. Especially right now she seems portraying a 'happy marriage' with the pregnancy and those hubby appreciation post. Also, why did ppl mad with the pregnancy? It's her body, she can do wtv she wants for her happiness. The timing may not be right for you but it is right for her. And who cares if they take a long route and we need to wait another year for their reunion? It's their journey, we as fans can just look from afar and give support to them. Stop being too involved in their relationship acting like it's your own or to accomplish wtv your fantasy is of their relationship (so when it didn't go like your fantasy, you get mad at them 🙄), it's a weird behavior. This is real life, there will be pros and cons. They are smart women. I'm sure they knew what they do.

woof, school of hard knocks!

but i do know what you mean in the sense that, things are a lot less stressful when you remove yourself from your understanding of the process. so in that spirit i would do you one further and say that i don’t think probably a few months to be free is something to be asserted either. because i can only assume that things are the way they are now because they are the conditions by which everyone felt comfortable going forward!

sidenote but the way you wrote your message reminded me of the time when the TSL social account gave out the picture to burn taymoji like the day that karlie got engaged back in 2018 😆 thank you for the memories

[screamingiminlovewithyou]

Tell me about each show you’ve been to and your seats!!!

oh fun!!! I became a fan in 2009, but due to terrible anxiety and not-right medicine (thanks, Zoloft), I didn’t attend the Fearless tour when she came back around in 2010. I remember my sister and her friend were going but my mom said she couldn’t attend and I could go with my sister or not at all. The me of today reply regrets this.

2011- Speak Now Tour in Sunrise. 6/3/2011. This was my firsttttt concert! I wore this shirt and I think I was in 7th grade. That isn’t how I remember the shirt, it was the pictures from Hey Stephen in the Fearless Booklet. However, i do remember having a meltdown about my outfit and eating teriyaki chicken. We were in nosebleeds and I couldn’t really see a thing. I don’t remember it that much.

2011- Speak Now 11/13/11. She came back around and my mom and I got tickets in the lower bowl for like 97 each. It was SO much fun. I made a sign that said I love love love you but I was too shy to hold it up. She came so close on the love story float. I wore the haunted speak now shirt that I still have.

2013- Red tour Miami 4/13/13 (she loves Florida on the 13th). My mom and I went and I remember being at school and SO ready to go. I wore black glitter Keds. Black high waisted shorts. A red glitter 13 on my hands. And this shirt. My friend at the time (we just fell out after graduation but I loved her), had nosebleeds and my mom very kindly gave her her seat and sat with her aunt. We had a blast. Taylor sang today was a fairytale.

2015- 1989 tour NC. I think 6/15/15? Maybe? Or 6/8? Cursed trip due to my mom’s dreaded ex and I was so desperate to meet taylor i sort of put myself in a mood. However, I gave taylor nation a whole booklet of letters from fans. Last arena show I saw of hers.

2015- 1989 Tour Tampa 10/31/15. Went with the same friend and we had nosebleeds but it was the BEST! Leaving was a disaster filled with ant bites, being stranded, exploding diet cokes, and bus rides to unknown locations. We made it home though.

2018- Rep tour Tampa 8/14/18. Same friend and had a BLAST!! We had lower bowl and a great view. She sang invisible and the person who requested it was behind me and was extremely emotional lol.

2018- Rep Tour Miami 8/18/18- Got last minute tickets on StubHub for 100 (fuck!) and went with a different friend and my mom. Had last row seats but it was worth it! She sang breathe and I cried cause that song makes me think of my parents divorce and i didn’t want to hear it lol. My mom was also had lowkey sassy to me so I was a little irate. Had frat bros near me who spilled some beer on my leg.

2023- Eras Tampa- 4/14/23- Middle bowl but I didn’t wear my contacts and was so mad at myself. Magical nonetheless and she sang The Great War and YOYOK for the first time. I left needing so badly to go again that I was led onto a journey of desperation, scammers, and depression. I believe someone near me spilled some beer on me, AGAIN!

2023- Eras Minneapolis 6/24/23- Lowerbowl and amazing seats! Wack ass couple in front of me and the man was like nine feet tall and the girl was drunk and pissy and they completely blocked me from seeing. They were rude and I cried and my mom attempted to ask security for assistance but he was rude as fuck. I cried during the whole lover set cause I couldn’t see anything (of course you can dance and have fun but bro if you’re that tall and you guys are being that annoying have some decorum. I was just so happy to be there and so excited that my bubble was dramatically bursted when i realized i was completely visually blocked. But they ended up scooting over and so did i but I’ll never forgive them). Dear John and Daylight.

2024- Eras MIAMIIII 10/18/24. Last minute tickets. Restricted seats but the view was fine. We had an easy time seeing. Some drunk girls in front of us who also blocked our views and were asked by not just my mother (she can be a bit Karen-like at times) but others to move a little or chill and they were not having it…but eventually they just moved before taylor even came on. I wanted NOTHING more than a fearless or debut song, specifically Tim McGraw cause i never went to the fearless tour and I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE SANG IT!!!!!!!!!! With timeless. I also wanted a folklore song, specifically mirrorball or this is me trying and she sang TIMT. I weirdly had a moment in the car driving down where I felt like she was going to play daylight again and, yes, she did! But that’s okay. It was perfect and I’m so happy i went!!

[yakumtsaki]

Boy do I feel iVan when it comes to this wolfwatching crap, I am OVER IT. I actually went back and checked how long it’s been that I’ve been trying to turn Jojo into a werewolf and it turns out I STARTED IN 2018. It’s literally been two Olympics, absolutely pathetic. Ok Jojo you are 200yo at this point, I really think it’s time for us to give this up and let you die with dignity.

-I’ve never done anything with dignity and I’m not about to start now!

Meanwhile, being disinherited in favor of her wife has reignited the passion in Shajar’s heart.

-Oh darling, I can’t believe you already have a new diabolical plan! It was only last night that you stole my inheritance! You’re a genius!🖤

-Don’t I know it!

Sophie can you just chill with your 20 top-careered pets, your massive lawyer pension, and all of Jojo’s money? What more could you possibly want??

-Oh I’ll tell you what I want, I want Sugar out of here!

Aw come on, he’s not that bad!

-He killed Sandy!

You hated Sandy! You literally danced on her grave!  

-Ya that’s not it, she thinks with Sugar here Sophito’s heirship is disputed.

-SHAJAR YOU GODDAMN IDIOT DON’T TELL HER THAT

 OMG SOPHIE WHO CARES

-I CARE. Now fuck outta here so we can have geriatric relations in our front yard!

-Listen, honey-

-You’ve never called me ‘honey’ before.

-Yes I have, I’m a very affectionate mother.

-No, I mean you LITERALLY have never in my life called-

-LISTEN HERE, BRAT. There, was that better?? Now, you know how much I love your cousin Sugar-

-Don’t you always say Aunt Cyn should have kept the placenta instead of him?

-Well the placenta is very nutritious. As I was saying, even though I love having Sugar around, I think the best thing for him is to leave and make a life for himself.

-Yes, I completely agree, that boy is a liability!

-Grandpa, where did you come from? 

-From another room, I definitely wasn’t hiding behind the fridge.

-Won’t Sugar have a hard time living alone?

-He should have thought of that before he destroyed his marriage!

-Didn’t you have an affair with Max Flexor?

-Yes but I wasn’t stupid enough to get caught! 

-I don’t know guys, I feel like you two have another agenda.

-Us?? An agenda???

-HAHAHA oh son, you are funny! It will be a cold day in Hell when your grandpa and I are not completely honest and selfless! 

-Hey guys, did you tell him about kicking Sugar out on his ass yet? 

-GET OUT OF HERE, SHAJAR

-So Mom and Grandpa want me to kick out Sugar.

-What? And who will change the baby’s diapers?? iVan who’s having a mental breakdown???

-𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙰𝙻𝙻 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙶𝙸𝚁𝙻𝚂 𝚂𝙰𝚈 𝙸'𝙼 𝙿𝚁𝙴𝚃𝚃𝚈 𝙵𝙻𝚈 𝙵𝙾𝚁 𝙰𝙽 𝙰𝙸🎵

Ngl, I am starting to feel living in our crypt might not be the best lifepath for Sugar. I mean he doesn’t even have a roommate after, you know, he killed Sandy. Ok Sugar, I’m gonna give you one more chance at a family..

..it’s over for you, Matthew Picaso! That’s what you get for pissing me off that time Sophito kept asking you out. 

-JESSICA HOW COULD CHEAT ON ME WITH THIS FREAKSHOW

-I COULDNT HELP IT MATTHEW, WE HAVE THE SAME FACE TEMPLATE. IT WAS FATE

-Jess, I know this is fast as you got divorced 2 hours ago, but when you know, you know! Marry me and let’s fill this neighborhood with our face template!

-Oh Sugar, of course I will! 

-It’s happening. It’s finally happening. I’M SO HAPPY

Ok Jojo calm down.

-I CAN’T.

I gave Jess a nice gothic makeover and moved them into this beautiful Victorian house I of course didn’t build-

-and it’s wedding time!

-OH GOD THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE

We adopted a bunch of pets from Wulf..

..and even Claire (who has a hot new look and a great life which I will cover in the next spare update) shockingly agreed to come over and let bygones be bygones, guaranteeing a more normal co-parenting situation than Sugar barging in her house to beat up Wilfred. Magnanimous queen!

-I’m literally too rich and successful to hold grudges, getting divorced from Sugar was the best thing to ever happen to me!

LOL. Well point is everything was going well-

-AND THEN SUGAR TRIED TO HAVE ANOTHER AUTONOMOUS AFFAIR WITH SOMEONE HE BROUGHT HOME FROM WORK. SUGAR WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM. WHO DOES THIS IN FRONT OF THEIR WIFE, THAT COWORKER DOESNT EVEN LIKE YOU

-I DON’T CARE. I’M NOT MADE FOR MARRIAGE I CAN’T DO IT

HOLY HELL

-GET OUT OF HERE ASSHOLE I CAN’T BELIEVE I RUINED MY MARRIAGE FOR YOU

-OH NOOOOO I’M SO SAD. Don’t worry my bags are already packed!

-Welcome back bro, don’t worry, you’ll always be in the Dean’s List of my heart! 

-NO. NO. YOU WERE GONE. I WATCHED YOU LEAVE. GO BACK TO YOUR WIFE RIGHT NOW

-I AM WIFELESS AND I’M NEVER LEAVING AGAIN. I WILL DIE RIGHT WHERE I WAS BORN: IN YOUR FRONT YARD

-YOU’LL DIE SOONER THAN YOU THINK IF YOU DONT GET THE FUCK OUT

-SOPHITO IS THE DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED HEIR AND HE SAID I’M WELCOME TO STAY. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME

-WHY YOU DON-NOSED, TWICE-DIVORCED LITTLE BASTARD. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT

-I’M GOING BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO

-Aaaah, it’s good to be back in my crypt where I belong! Who should I marry and divorce next? Uncle Daniel’s wife is pretty hot. 

Sugar istg.

[the-rewatch-rewind]

Heaven, I'm in heaven...

Script below the break

Hello and welcome back to The Rewatch Rewind! My name is Jane, and this is the podcast where I count down my top 40 most frequently rewatched films in a 20-year period. Today I will be discussing number five on my list: RKO’s 1935 musical comedy Top Hat, directed by Mark Sandrich, written by Allan Scott and Dwight Taylor, and starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

American dancer Jerry Travers (Fred Astaire) comes to London to star in a show produced by his friend Horace Hardwick (Edward Everett Horton). The night before the show opens, Jerry’s tapdancing in Horace’s hotel room awakens model Dale Tremont (Ginger Rogers) in the room below. She calls the manager to complain, who calls the room above hers, and Horace answers the phone. Because he can’t hear over Jerry’s dancing, he leaves to see what the manager wants. Tired of waiting for the noise to stop, Dale storms upstairs to confront the dancer. Upon seeing her, Jerry immediately falls in love, and the next day he starts following her around in a mildly creepy but mostly charming way. However, he never tells her his name, and when Dale learns that her friend Madge Hardwick (Helen Broderick)’s husband is staying in the room above hers, she naturally assumes that Jerry is Horace Hardwick. All of this results in much confusion, hilarity, and of course, dancing.

Top Hat was one of the many old movies that my mom introduced me to in 2002, and it has been among my favorite films ever since. I had already seen it several times before I started keeping track, and then I watched it five times in 2003, three times in 2004, three times in 2005, once in 2006, once in 2009, twice in 2010, three times in 2011, four times in 2012, once each in 2013, 2014, 2016, 2017, and 2018, twice in 2020, once in 2021, and once in 2022. This was the first Fred and Ginger movie I ever saw, and while I’ve since watched and enjoyed all nine others multiple times, none could top Top Hat, in my opinion.

This was the fourth film that Fred and Ginger made together, but only the second in which they had starring roles, and the first that was written specifically for them. Two of their previous films – 1933’s Flying Down to Rio and 1935’s Roberta – gave them relatively small parts, although their scenes were unquestionably the highlights. In Flying Down to Rio, they got fourth and fifth billing and are barely in it, but they caused a splash with their one dance number, and an iconic duo was born. They got second and third billing in Roberta, in which they basically function as the B romantic pair, with Irene Dunne and Randolph Scott as the A couple. Fred and Ginger’s first starring roles had been in 1934’s The Gay Divorcee, which was an adaptation of the Broadway musical Gay Divorce. Critics of Top Hat (including Astaire himself) complained that it was basically a rehash of The Gay Divorcee, and like, I can see their point: both films have a weird mistaken identity story and feature essentially the same cast filling very similar roles – with the notable change from Alice Brady to Helen Broderick in the “Ginger’s older relative/friend” role. But while I also enjoy The Gay Divorcee, somehow I feel like Top Hat just works better. The story makes at least a little bit more sense, and they didn’t devote a quarter of the runtime to a single interminable musical number like The Gay Divorcee did with the frickin Continental… although The Piccolino came dangerously close to replicating that. After Top Hat, Fred and Ginger made five more films with RKO in the 1930s: 1936’s Follow the Fleet, in which they were basically the B couple like they had been in Roberta, although they did get top billing in this one; 1936’s Swing Time, which is mostly very good and would probably have made it onto this podcast if not for that one blackface number; 1937’s Shall We Dance, which I kind of slept on for a while but now I think is probably my second favorite of theirs, although the ending drags a bit; 1938’s Carefree, possibly their weirdest movie, which involves hypnotism; and 1939’s The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle, which I find to be disappointingly forgettable. Then, after 10 years apart, they reunited for MGM’s The Barkleys of Broadway in 1949, which is basically Fred and Ginger fan fiction and it makes me so happy that it exists.

While there were lots of other dancing musicals being made in Hollywood around this time, the Astaire/Rogers ones feel like their own genre, and not just because of the stars. I think a big part of what makes Top Hat feel like the quintessential Fred and Ginger film is the supporting cast. Edward Everett Horton, Helen Broderick, Erik Rhodes, and Eric Blore were each in at least one other Fred and Ginger movie, but this is the only one that has all four of them. Edward Everett Horton excelled at playing the kind of guy who thinks he’s in control of every situation, but actually has no clue what’s going on, and he’s especially in his element as Horace Hardwick, convinced that he can get to the bottom of everyone’s strange behavior while never suspecting that he could end all the confusion just by meeting Dale. Helen Broderick delivers wisecracks in a brilliantly dry, cynical tone that contrasts with Horton’s bumbling to great comedic effect. Their characters don’t seem to have a very functional marriage, but they also don’t really seem to mind that. Typically the “haha, married couples hate each other” types of jokes really irritate me, but Horace and Madge are such ridiculous characters that it’s actually kind of funny when they do it. And then there’s Erik Rhodes, whose absurdly over-the-top Italian characterization in Top Hat and The Gay Divorcee so offended Mussolini that both those films were banned in Italy. Personally I feel like Top Hat’s portrayal of Venice as a giant white soundstage is probably more insulting to Italians than a guy doing a bad accent and being silly is, but I don’t know, maybe it’s still offensive. To me, as a non-Italian, I just think Erik Rhodes is very funny as Alberto Beddini, the dressmaker whose clothes Dale is modeling. He has some truly excellent lines, like, “Never again will I allow women to wear my dresses!” and “I am no man; I am Beddini!” Despite his declarations of love for Dale, he is extremely queer-coded, while also interestingly being one of the most masculine characters in the film, which is…kind of the opposite of how male characters are typically queer-coded. So Alberto is very silly but also quite fascinating. Eric Blore was in half of the Fred and Ginger movies and he’s always hilarious. In Top Hat he plays Horace’s valet, Bates, who always refer to themselves in the plural (“We are Bates, sir”), so the next time someone complains to you about this so-called newfangled trend of young people messing with pronouns, feel free to point out that at least one middle-aged man was doing that way back in 1935. One of my favorite exchanges in the movie is when Horace is trying to explain to Bates that Jerry seems to have gotten into a perilous situation with a woman by saying, “He has practically put his foot right into a hornets’ nest” and Bates respond with, “But hornets’ nests grow on trees, sir.” “Never mind that. We have got to do something.” “What about rubbing it with butter, sir?” “You blasted fool, you can’t rub a girl with butter!” “My sister got into a hornets’ nest and we rubbed HER with butter, sir!” “That’s the wrong treatment, you should have used mud – never mind that!” It has nothing to do with anything but it makes me laugh every time. This supporting cast adds a silly, somewhat Vaudevillian aspect to Top Hat that no Fred and Ginger film would be complete without.

Of course, Fred and Ginger movies are better known for a different somewhat Vaudevillian aspect: their songs. It’s very interesting to watch Top Hat from a musical history perspective because it was made before the advent of the book musical – that is, a show where the songs are fully integrated into the story and used to tell a specific narrative. The songs in this movie do sort of advance the plot, but the lyrics are generic enough that they stand alone completely out of context. It’s kind of a bridge between the disjointed songs and scenes of vaudeville and the continuously flowing story of book musicals. All the music in Top Hat was written by the legendary Irving Berlin, including two solo numbers for Fred: “No Strings (I’m Fancy Free)” which is what Jerry is dancing to in the hotel when he disturbs Dale, and “Top Hat, White Tie and Tails” which is part of his show; and three numbers for both Fred and Ginger to dance to: “Isn’t This a Lovely Day (to Be Caught in the Rain)?” for soon after they meet, before Dale thinks that Jerry is Horace, “Cheek to Cheek” when they’re in love but Dale is conflicted because she thinks he’s married to Madge, who is confusingly encouraging them to dance, and “The Piccolino” after Dale finally learns Jerry’s true identity. Both Astaire and Rogers were significantly better dancers than singers, but typically Fred did most of the singing, and the only song he doesn’t sing in Top Hat is the Piccolino, apparently because he didn’t like it, so Ginger sings it first and then an offscreen chorus repeats it. My favorite number in the film has always been “Isn’t this a Lovely Day (to Be Caught in the Rain)?” because I love the way Jerry starts dancing fancier and fancier and is pleasantly surprised that Dale can keep up with him, and it’s fun that Ginger got to wear pants for once, and I also just really enjoy that song. There was a time soon after I first fell in love with this movie when I tried to make saying the word “lovely” a lot part of my personality, mainly inspired by this song. I truly enjoy all the numbers, even if I do think The Piccolino goes on a bit too long, although, again, it’s not nearly as painfully long as The Continental in The Gay Divorcee, which it’s clearly meant to pay homage to. But Fred and Ginger’s most famous dance number – certainly in this film, and also probably in any of their films – is “Cheek to Cheek.” It is pure, breathtaking magic, and even knowing about the major drama with Ginger’s dress in no way detracts from that.

I’ve heard a few different accounts of the dress drama with slightly conflicting details, but what they all seem to agree on is that Ginger Rogers insisted that a low-backed, light blue, ostrich feather dress would look perfect during the “Cheek to Cheek” dance, and pretty much everybody else tried to talk her out of it, but she refused to back down until they were all forced to concede. And she was correct, it looks incredible, although if you’re watching closely you can see some feathers falling off while she dances, which was the main objection to the dress. Fred Astaire was reportedly extremely annoyed about the flying feathers, although he betrays none of that to the audience, and afterwards gave Ginger the nickname “Feathers,” which he continued to call her for many years. My interpretation of this is that it started as kind of an insult when he was genuinely upset about the incident but evolved to become more of a term of endearment, although obviously I don’t know for sure. As far as I can tell, apart from the occasional disagreement, Fred and Ginger got along pretty well in real life, although the studio sometimes invented or exaggerated stories about them fighting to try to generate more buzz. Personally I don’t think that was necessary; their talent spoke for itself, and audiences would have flocked to their films whether or not there was conflict offscreen.

One thing that I don’t like about old movies is that in general, most of the people who worked on them were deceased before DVDs were invented, which means that the special features are often lacking. I have watched Top Hat with commentary, but it’s by a film historian and Fred Astaire’s daughter who was born after this movie was made. It’s mostly the historian talking, but every once in a while Astaire’s daughter shares a memory of her father, and every. single. time. the historian responds with, in the most patronizing tone of voice I’ve ever heard, “Thank you for telling us that” and I hate it so much. But one thing that I did learn from the commentary that I definitely wouldn’t have noticed if nobody had told me is that Lucille Ball makes a very small appearance in this movie as a worker at the flower shop in the London hotel. She has a couple of lines, but even though I’m used to watching her in Stage Door, which was only made two years after Top Hat, I absolutely would never have recognized her. So that’s kind of fun.

Now, when it comes to watching Top Hat from an aroace perspective, even I cannot deny that this movie in general, and the “Cheek to Cheek” number specifically, is extremely romantic. The main storyline is Jerry immediately falling for Dale and flirting with her until she falls for him, and then her attempting to suppress her feelings when she thinks he’s married to her best friend. But somehow, even watching it as a young teen who had no idea that I was aroace, this felt different from other romantic films I’d seen. I remember feeling irritated the first time I read a description of Fred and Ginger’s dancing as their version of making love because “ugh, why do people have to make everything about sex?” It took me a while to realize that not only is that an apt description, but it’s also part of what drew me to them in the first place. Because despite the way the terms “making love” and “being intimate” are now used almost exclusively as synonyms for “having sex,” they don’t necessarily have to be. There are other ways of experiencing and expressing love and intimacy besides sex. It’s just that our allonormative society puts sex on such a high pedestal and portrays it as the One True Form of Intimacy that all other forms are devalued to the point that often they feel barely worth mentioning. And I do feel like when some people talk about Fred and Ginger this way, what they’re implying is “Their dances were the Hays Code era version of sex scenes.” And, granted, it’s quite possible that that was the intent. But nothing about their dancing is inherently sexual, and yet, it would be hard to deny that it’s extremely intimate. So as someone who craves non-sexual intimacy, in a world where that concept almost seems oxymoronic, it’s so encouraging to see these characters express that. Of course, I don’t want exactly what they have – for one thing, I’m a terrible dancer, despite my one year of tap lessons in 2nd grade. And for another, what they have is way too romantic for me. But although I could never have articulated this at the time, just seeing this example of extreme intimacy coming in other, non-sexual forms as a young obliviously asexual person was so important. It gave me some armor against the onslaught of allo- and amatonormative messages implying that sexual relationships are inherently more valuable and valid than any other kind of relationship. Top Hat ends with the implication that Jerry and Dale are about to get married, so I guess we’re meant to infer that their relationship will eventually become sexual, but I don’t see how anyone could watch this movie and still think that a sexless marriage consisting of dance numbers like “Cheek to Cheek” would be any less valid than a sexual marriage. Like so many of my favorite movies, it’s not exactly ace representation, but it’s easy to imagine many of the characters in Top Hat as ace, and often that’s as good as it gets.

While the subtle and probably unintentional message that sex doesn’t have to be the end all be all is great, the main reason I love this movie is because it’s just a lot of fun to watch. I’ll be the first to admit that the plot is a little ridiculous and doesn’t make a ton of sense, but I also have to admire the lengths they go to in order to maintain the mistaken identity for so long. Like the part when the London hotel manager tells Dale that Horace Hardwick is the gentleman with the briefcase and cane on the mezzanine, and Horace steps behind a chandelier before Dale can see him, and while she’s trying to get closer, Jerry runs up to Horace and says that he has a phone call, and Horace hands Jerry his briefcase and cane and rushes off, so Dale will see Jerry alone holding a briefcase and cane and therefore still think he is Horace. Or when Horace just happens to be in the bathtub when Dale comes into their room in Italy. Or how Jerry tells Madge that he’s met Dale so she doesn’t think she needs to introduce him. It’s like simultaneously the most far-fetched, bizarre plot imaginable and also kind of brilliantly executed, and I love it for that. And even if the plot doesn’t work for you, this movie is still worth watching for its truly phenomenal dancing by one of the most iconic pairs in Hollywood history.

Thank you for listening to me discuss another of my most frequently rewatched films. When compiling this list, I was very surprised to discover that Fred Astaire would only appear in one film, since I consider him one of my faves, but I hope he would at least be happy to know that that one film is in my top five. Next week, I will be talking about another Old Hollywood musical that I watched two more times than Top Hat, for a total of 33 views, which stars a man who is often compared to Fred Astaire, although I feel like, apart from being dancers, they were very different. So stay tuned for that, and as always, I will leave you with a quote from that next movie: “I make more money than…than…than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!”

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

How LIV KRISTINE Came Back To Music Through Teaching

Former LEAVES' EYES and THEATRE OF TRAGEDY singer Liv Kristine recently went on "Side Jams With Bryan Reesman"to talk about how she came back to being creative with music by going into teaching. Her sixth and latest solo album is called "River Of Diamonds" and features guest appearances from MOONSPELL frontman Fernando Ribeiro and her sister, MIDNATTSOL singer Carmen Elise Espenæs. It's been nearly nine years since her last album.

"It feels great because I'm 47 years old now, and I'm standing in the middle of my life," said Liv. "And 'River of Diamonds' feels like the first album of my second life."

Liv originally started teaching when her son Leon, now nearly 20 years old, entered primary school at age six. She and her ex-husband Alexander Krull (ATROCITY, LEAVES' EYES) chose a private school in Germany because they were often taking Leon on tour.

"Being a part of the teachers team gave me some freedom," she explained. "I used to teach at Leon's primary school, and that was 14 years ago. That was when my teaching process started. I didn't study that. I studied linguistics, ancient languages, language acquisition, but I never took that part you need to become a teacher. But it's always been in my blood. So when the headmaster of Leon's primary school asked me to support his school, I did. Which gave us some freedom to take Leon on the road, and then it just continued like that with every school that Leon went to."

After her unceremonious departure from her former band LEAVES' EYES in 2016, and her divorce, Liv's life went into a tailspin and she lost her main income source. So she reached out to some people she knew and got a job teaching children with autism.

"I got some experience and I feel great empathy for these lovely human beings," she said. "I was lucky to get into this place, and then it just grew and grew. I started working with children growing up without parents [and] children with Down Syndrome. It's been an amazing experience and an amazing journey. So when COVID happened in Europe, I was not dependent on touring [or] going on stage."

Liv and her husband Michael moved to Switzerland a year ago. "It took some time for me to realize that I had to get through a very rough period, I had to dissolve some blockages," Liv recalled to "Side Jams". "I had to dissolve a trauma. I had to get rid of some dusty layers to really see what I want to do in my life. How can I serve? How can I be really authentic?"

She says balancing her art and teaching has made her feel more secure and creative, which was not the case a few years ago. Liv did join MIDNATTSOL for their 2018 album "The Aftermath" and has done a few guest vocal appearances since 2016, but she had not worked on new music of her own. The singer credits her husband with bringing her back to that.

"I released an EP a couple of years ago, 'Have Courage Dear Heart'," said Liv. "I got it tattooed just underneath my heart, and that was in 2018, 2019, when I met Michael, now my husband and soul partner. I had decided to be without singing. No performance anymore, no band. I just wanted to quit the whole thing — [the] music business sucks, court cases and all the bullshit. Sometimes I found myself in front of court, and I didn't even know what I was doing there. I just wanted to quit it all. And I quit. But I realized that I'm not being myself. So when Michael turned up in my life, he gave me the real kick that I needed. He pushed me. That was when I released 'Have Courage Dear Heart'. It takes a lot of courage to go through that process, but it's very relieving and very freeing in the end."

[toledodanica08]

"My Life Story"

Autobiography

My name is Danica Toledo, i was born on Oct 8, 2001, in philippine general hospital manila, my parents are Anamarie Toledo and Danilo bisnar divorced that my parents started since 3 years old I bunso sa limang magkakapatid gusto ko maglaro ng volleyball beginning since childhood i and love po also i command and handle the vlogs on this youtube what i do when i don't do at our house, i am a grade 12 student graduating this year and wish i be teacher if i play this i chose because i want to help children who need to learn and i like to teach children,

When I was 4 years old I was taken by my dad because they didn't understand, because always daddy and daddy came to me because daddy drank and there was also the baby he was so bad daddy separated them and my daddy took me and we went to the lagoon there daddy worked and I didn’t get a lesson because Daddy did not know Daddy about teaching so when we died we did not have to study because of the pain of life and no enough money Daddy to teach we got more money last year Daddy then we moved to a lagoon Daddy we stayed there because Dad did not think Daddy would work for a while we don’t leave Daddy because he needed to work away because he had to work a long time before Daddy made me sick and we were so sick that Daddy left us there because he wanted me to leave my body and I had to cry because he left me with my father’s body and he didn’ t want me to get away with me because I had no time for him to work.

In the year 2014 mom found us where we stayed and they both said that we were going to get mommy even though mommy's life wasn't beautiful but in wanting to learn we forced her to get us to learn my mommy in 2014 mommy lived in Las piñas and there we had elementary a lot of trials when we took mommy because it was hard too the life we had been watching mommy to learn even though we didn't want to come in we walked even far 30 minutes until an hour we were walking mommy just to get in and even no mommy did much to have mommy come in also at the point that we looked at the vegetables parked by the car we did it for no more future.

This is the year 2016 when I can't forget because this year we were sick and we were left unconscious because Mommy was with her in the dark a few months that she didn't love Mommy then and we knew that she was going to be confused and a reason Mommy did that because she gave her food but it wasn't true that Mommy had done so I was very angry because she did not know how to leave Mommy she also continued my studies even though no Mommy's sister had ever told me but I knew that my mommy brother took me a lot and taught me but in a study that she died because of her father she came to the point that I became a servant of her parents but even I was hard because they were teaching Daddy calmly and I had no right to worry because they found me so much as I was teaching Mommy but I've been talking to Mommy and I'm sorry because I was talking to her mother and I was even trying to talk to her because I thought I was so sorry Mommy.

In the year 2018 we told Tita that in Japan she took us and left us in Quezon City because there got a house Tita and there grows and calls our life because we took Tita so much the thanks we made Saka because Saka has become beautiful our life but we didn't expect away Tita as well as I because only in the ability of Tita she got angry and not that we talked so did Nita is looking for a salary to leave us too at my Tita's house and we don't that she talked because we avoided that we were in the neck but since they took away and removed Tita of the Philippines was okay too that they ate and Tita we were all okay.

[drowsycryptid]

Hello Tumblr. I am sleepy and I took night time sleep drugs and everything feels weird. My birthday was Wednesday. I haven't left the house in 3 months. I'm still looking for job so I can afford life. I think I'm gay. Or ace. I'm not sure. I am married to a human man who came out as bisexual recently. And ever since my mother decided to fucking die because she's a jerk, I have taken most of my life and put it under a microscope to discover I did a lot of things to either get the fuck away from my family or try the impossible of making them proud of me.

Most of my romantic relationships were loveless. Not my marriage. I love that man. But it's because he's always been my best friend. This marriage is more of a business situation. When I die, I know he will respect my wishes. We are that of two old women living with one another for the companionship and the conversation. It isn't conventional, no. But my mother expected me to marry a man. She expected me to provide her with grandchildren. I gave her those things.

But men are easy. I could find 3 boyfriends within the span of 2 months and I'm not even remotely physically appealing to most people. It's like shooting fish in a barrel but not feeling hungry for fish. You eat it because you feel it's necessary. But you still crave something that just hits you in a spot that makes all other food irrelevant. I don't think that will ever be sated. Because I've wedged myself in a confusing and complicated situation. I won't divorce my husband because again, I do love him. He isn't very emotionally grounded but he is very kind and gentle with me. I needed that sense of protection to grow stronger after the hellscape I very barely got away from in 2018. And he would support my relationship with someone that isn't a cishet man. Hell, he would support THAT if it was something I wanted but I think cishet men are gross. But finding someone who will accept me for all of my flaws and scars and baggage? Closing in on fucking 40 now?!

It would take a damn miracle.

[master-john-uk]

This is an idea that Prince William has been working on for five years... and I applaud him for bringing it to fruition.

Many people might think that the privileged and rich do not understand the issue but, trust me, they do... especially William, after his mother Princess Diana took him to visit a homeless hostel when he was just 11 years old.

I have to admit that in the past I regarded these "beggars" on the streets of London as a nuisance... until I took the time to stop and speak to one man on a personal level.

He was about 50 years old, a former RAF technician with a university degree in a science related subject. He was married with 4 children and the compulsory Golden Labrador. When he discovered that his wife was "seeking love" elsewhere, he simply walked away (literally)... rather than going through the procedure of divorce and selling the family home. He was fine until the company he worked for made him redundant, and the council refused to rehome him. He had been sleeping rough for about two years. He was not a drunk or a drug user... he was simply an English gentleman who had fallen on hard times. That man is now working for me in Wiltshire... possibly my most productive engineer. He still sends most of his money to his family, and chooses to live in a horrible bedsit in Amesbury.

The RAF tech. man introduced me to a young homeless man that he was trying to look after on the streets. The young chap claimed to be 18 years old, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually under 16 years of age. He told me that he was physically and sexually abused by his father, and ran away to London where "the streets are paved with gold!" It quickly became obvious to me that the boy was using drugs. I wanted to help him, but he disappeared. I used my connections with Met Police to try and find him, but to no avail.

My Houseboy Scott comes from a deprived area of Liverpool. When I first met him in 2018(?) he was an 18 year old barman, desperately trying to pay both the rent, and his mother's extreme drink and drugs addiction. He was desperate! He was already involved with crime gangs... and was on the verge of selling his body to pay for his mum's drug addiction.

I took Scott under my wing. He did not want to leave his mother on her own (understandable). Scott took me to their very grotty home so that I could chat with his mother. I dropped her a rather large amount of cash to "cope with her current needs", and promised to give her son a positive future... so long as she agreed to attend a drug rehabilitation programme, which I would pay for. Mummy was on a heroin high during that visit, so I left the idea in her head and returned to my hotel.

The next day I drove to Scott's house in the Bentley and told Scott to stand outside and protect the car while I had a personal chat with his mummy. This time she was nearly sober. I reiterated my proposition to take her son away from a life of crime... but only if she gave up hard drugs. She agreed to my deal, and made the first phone call to a drugs rehabilitation centre while I was there.

I gave Scott one hour to collect his personal belongings and say farewell to his mother. I let Scott drive the Bentley out of the housing estate... otherwise I might have got a brick thrown through the window!

Scott's mummy kept her side of the deal. She moved out of central Liverpool and, as far as I know no longer touches drugs... although she still drinks heavily.

Boy Scott has grown up into a lovely young man. (His previous experience in driving stolen high-performance cars at high speed has been useful at times), and he has learnt to trust people, and behave like a gentleman.

[Sorry... I'm rambling, again!]

"Only the most jaundiced would object to the prince’s well-meaning efforts, which will do no harm and may conceivably do some good."

"Fortunately for all concerned, it turns out the Prince of Wales’s ambition is more realistic: to make homelessness “rare, brief and unrepeated”. It is a perfectly laudable ambition, though still a formidable and politically hazardous one, and is just the kind of thing he should be doing in his position if the institution of monarchy is to survive. As Prince Philip said, they will stick around as long as people find them “useful”, and this type of work, funded by the Royal Foundation charity, could be very useful indeed."

[the-active-news]

How Jackie Harry's Built His Fortune?

Jackee Harry is a well-known actress have you ever pondered her net worth? Jackee's overall wealth is estimated to be as high as $? as of the beginning of 2016. She has made a lot of money from acting, so that's where she mostly got it.

Jackee Harry's Net Worth

$6.5 million dollars Net Worth Of Jackee Harry is an American actress and TV personality. Her role as the seductive next-door neighbor "Sandra Clark" on 227. The bubbly secretary "Lisa Landry" on Sister, Sister is undoubtedly the most well-known one. Jackee Harry, an actress, was born in Winston-Salem, North Carolina on August 14, 1956. She grew up in Harlem, New York, and attended the High School of Performing Arts in the city's Lower East Side for her acting training. For More Updates You Can See This Was Demi Moore The Highest Paid Actress?

Jackee Harry Is Living Her Best Life

There is little doubt that Jackée Harry is having a blast. The 64-year-old actress sat down with ET's Deidre Behar to discuss her new OWN holiday film, A Christmas for Mary, as well as her Twitter fame, new romance, and her groundbreaking part in Sister, Sister. https://twitter.com/JackeeHarry/status/1626087519220809728 She almost declined the job of Lisa Landry on Sister, Sister because Harry didn't want to portray a mom, she revealed to ET. The show, which starred identical sisters Tia Mowry-Hardrict and Tamera Mowry-Housley, aired for six seasons until being canceled in 1999 and is currently seeing a comeback in popularity owing to Netflix. You Can See About This Tom Sandoval Net Worth.

Jackee Harry Divorced In 2003 After Seven Years Of Marriage

When Charles was at the height of his fame, he was introduced to the legendary Jackée Harry. Starting their relationship in 1995, the couple tied the knot at the Beverly Hills Hotel the following year. There were 550 guests present for the special event, and they saw the "Sister, Sister" actress make her entrance in a white silk and satin gown designed by Robert Turturice. The year after Charles and the "Sister, Sister" star legally wed, they adopted Frank's son. Having grown up and graduated from Beverly Hills High School, Frank now has his sights set on being a professional boxer. A bitter divorce followed their seven-year marriage in 2003.

Even after getting a divorce, they stayed together to raise their son. The single parent went on "The Wendy Williams Show" to discuss his unconventional living situation, saying: Since our son does best with both of us present, we made the decision to move in together as co-parents. Therefore, it's for the best that he's finally found a woman to share his life with. Like, a lover or anything. Must Read About This Jessica Lowndes Net Worth.

Charles Shocked The World By Revealing His

Charles' shocking s*xual orientation revelation came after his divorce from the Sister actress. In his 2018 memoir "By The Way," he revealed his s*xual orientation as bisexual, discussing his former relationships and the anxiety he felt about being a bisexual guy. In the book, he writes about how his father's death two years ago finally gave him the confidence to speak out after being silent for half a century. An iconic man came clean about his first same s*x romance with a man named Keith when he was just 21 years old. While brief, their six-month fling taught them valuable lessons. In his later years, he went on several dates with both men and women. Despite Harry's inactivity in the marriage department following her divorce from Charles, she has maintained a lively dating life. During one interview, she came clean about dating one of her best friends from high school. The 65-year-old woman opened up about her requirements for a life companion. Put your faith in women, be loyal to them, and feel safe. If something were to happen to me, you would be able to take care of me. Not only monetarily, but also psychologically and morally. You Can Read About This Was Demi Moore The Highest Paid Actress? She elaborated by saying that those traits were especially valued by those who had reached a particular level of professional success. In her final remarks, she highlighted safety as the first priority for females. Here is a Tweet About Him. https://twitter.com/JackeeHarry/status/1461113651167854593 Months later, when the actress was asked about her romantic life, she said that she was still hunting for love in all the wrong places. In her defense, she explained that she looked for love in all the wrong places before realizing that younger men were more exciting. The Active News.Com is where you should go to get the most recent news. Read the full article

[damien-mlm]

if you asked them, they'd deny it all

DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT

HEAVY VENT, talking about some of my past mentions of child abuse, CSA, suicide and self harm I cannot stress this enough, do NOT read if you feel like you can't I will never hold it against you if you don't read this, I promise I just really need to get this out there

Not fiction, real life events

Let me preface this with the fact I've been trying to open up about myself, and I'm drunk at the moment

This is hideous, this is your last warning

Fuck, how should I even begin

There’s so much

Back in August, I first started to write out fiction as a coping mechanism

Making up angsty and gut-wrenching stories, putting my characters through hell

I put a little bit of me in each one of those

And I still haven’t told the whole story yet

Back then, I also said this

And it still stands

I’m tired of being tired

And I was almost gone in September

Only a handful of people know this, not even my parents know

Not that they would care enough to help, anyway

I’ve been on the edge of this cliff many times

Each time I was pulled away, either forcefully, or by sweet words that meant nothing in the end

Performative kindness, only meant to be seen by others, never to be actually executed when truly needed

I’m not worth their kindness, I never was

My whole existence was a whim

My mother wanted to get showered in praise and attention

My father wanted to prove himself as a man

That was it, that’s all they wanted

I was just a byproduct of it

And when it wasn’t what they thought it would be, they hated me for it

I had ruined their lives by existing, and they made sure I knew

What fucks me up the most is that, thanks to PTSD and C-PTSD, I barely remember anything

I just have bits and pieces, and they are all a fucking nightmare

It’s impossible for me to form a timeline of the events, it’s all jumbled and mixed together

In the two poems I wrote, I mentioned this

I wasn’t lying

And it fucks me up because I feel like I can’t even trust myself

The typical “Are you sure that’s how it happened?” “I don’t remember it like that” “Maybe you are misremembering things” get so much more painful because of this

No, I’m not sure

I don’t know anything

My life is a lie

But then, where do all the nightmares, all the flashbacks, come from?

Where do the scars come from?

Where does that involuntary fear response to their presence come from?

I’m so sorry

I dragged you all into this bullshit

I’m not special

I know I’m not the only one who’s suffering

I feel like I’m being selfish

I shouldn’t be here

I should’ve died back when I first tried to

13 years ago

That should’ve been it

So that nobody else had to witness this fucking wreck

I don’t even know why I’m around anymore

I said it was so that nobody would hurt over my departure, and that still stands

But maybe there’s something else?

I’m not sure if it’s spite, or hope

And I’m still afraid of actually telling what I do remember

I don’t want pity

I want understanding

I want to be loved and cared for

For who I am

For what I am

Not for who I was supposed to be

Not for what I was supposed to accomplish

To be loved for me

For being

I’ve been writing this for about an hour, and I've barely said anything at all

Don’t be scared now, I’m not ending myself tonight, I know I sound extremely ominous, but I promise you I won’t do that

I always say it’s a long story and I never actually tell it

I did mention I came to be as a whim

That wasn’t a lie

What’s baffling to me is how long it took me to actually find out

December 25th, 2018

I got to know the true reason why my parents had split up

I was 1 year old, so I had no notion of this, thank fucking god

But apparently, my mom couldn’t stand the fact my dad gave me, a baby who needed help to survive, more attention than her

So, she asked for a divorce and kept me

It sounds fucking ridiculous, I know

And I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t me

But I am me, and I know how much she loathed me for years

I just never knew why

Turns out it was just for being a human with needs

It made so much sense to me

And to my dad, well I ruined his marriage, I was the reason why the love of his life had left him

And he might deny it, but I know he still resents me for it

Everything about him tells me he does

Both of them placed the blame on me

Not only for this but for everything that came after it

It’s all my fault, my doing, my mistake

When my other relatives would whisper about them, it was my fault

I wasn’t a good kid

I cried too much, I was too loud

I was too dramatic

I was too much

And now I’m not enough

And I don’t think I’ll ever be

It’s hard to talk about this when it’s all mixed up

Most of it is gone

But I remember a few things

I remember my mom accidentally burning my arms with her cigs too many times for it to be accidental at all

At one point, I just stopped trying to get close to her

I remember my dad making fun of the way I cried, calling me a Disney princess in the way I sobbed as a kid

I remember this was in front of other adults too, whenever I went to him for comfort

I remember I grabbed a knife and slashed my bedsheets once; I was too small, and I didn’t know how to express my own anguish

And my mom made me sew it back up and use it still

I remember I moved the living room chairs to make a bed for my plush dog as a kid

And my mom woke up from her nap and was enraged by the mess I had done

She slapped me so hard I fell back, turning, and hit my head on the edge of the wall

I had a huge bruised bump on my forehead

“If anybody asks, you tripped” she said

She must have learned that from one of her boyfriends, and I know exactly which one

This man was so vile, I hope I never have to see his face in front of mine again

Because I’m still forced to see him now and then

Flashbacks are involuntary, after all

He was abusive towards us both

That sick piece of shit

He took my innocence away from me

Stole it away for reasons I still can’t understand

I’m sorry to be so crude about it

But there are certain positions I just cannot do

They just take me back to that moment

“There’s a big man behind me, doing this to me

And there is nothing I can do to stop him”

It is the best way I can describe it without actually saying it

First time I tried to tell my mom about this, she said

“Yeah, maybe”

That’s all

I mean, what did I even expect?

I can’t place dates, but I’m pretty sure all this happened between the ages of 7 and 10

I started hurting myself at 11, back then I was convinced I deserved the pain

I was a bad kid

I deserved it

I got found out at 12 and everything went to shit, as if it wasn’t enough already

I got sent to a psychiatrist, and the lad said I needed anti-depressants

My mother refused

She had a better idea

To avoid me cutting myself, she would strip every single ounce of privacy I had

No room I was in was to have its door closed

No, not even the bathroom

Specially the bathroom

She would stand on the doorway and watch me intently as I did what I had to do

And when I showered, the curtain had to remain open too

That’s not all, but it’s all I can say for now

I don’t have the strength to keep writing right now

I won’t be sleeping tonight; I opened a bottle of wine and I have to clean this fucking house before it’s too late

My dad will come over tomorrow around noon to check on my progress, he said so on a voice message

I wish I wasn’t here

I wish I wasn’t

[parkerslatte]

Wish That Were Me [part one]

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions of divorce

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: Spencer had loved Y/N ever since he had first layer eyes on her even though she was married. The genius held onto his torch for her years after their meeting.

A/N: I might do a part two to this as I really enjoyed writing it. If you want a part 2 don’t be afraid to ask :)

MASTERLIST

Part One // Part Two // Part Three

Requests Open

***

Spencer remembered the day Y/N had walked through the doors of the BAU clearly. It was seven years ago and he believed that it was one of the best days of his life, although he would never admit it aloud. When Y/N had stepped through the doors, he was transfixed by her. She gave off an aura of kindness and that’s what drew him to her. 

Seven Years Ago (April 2010)

Spencer’s attention was immediately diverted from his paperwork to the woman walking through the bullpen. Immediately Spencer could tell she was new, he had never seen her face before, he would know if he had. One reason being because of his eidetic memory and the other being that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She looked confused as she looked around. If Spencer couldn’t clearly see her badge, he would think that she had just stumbled in. 

The woman made eye contact with Spencer for a quick moment before she began to head over in his direction. Spencer felt his palms began to sweat. That brief moment of eye contact was enough for him to grow nervous. Every step she took toward him, Spencer wanted to wheel his chair backwards until he was out of sight. 

“Hey,” The woman said as she now stood in front of Spencer, “I was wondering if you could tell me where Aaron Hotchner is?”

Spencer discreetly wiped his hands on his trousers before pointing at his office, “That’s his office.”

The woman gave him a sweet smile that would cause Spencer’s knees to melt if he were standing up, “Thank you.”

Spencer watched as she walked up to Hotch’s office. He was glad that there were little to no people around to notice his obvious infatuation with this woman. With a shake of his head, Spencer got back to work. 

Present Day (January 2018)

Sighing, Spencer rested back in his chair. He had gotten to work early and there wasn’t anyone around yet. He didn’t know why he decided to come in early, he just felt like he needed to. Getting up from his chair, he headed over to the kitchen area to make himself a drink. Turning around with his mug a few minutes later, he was greeted by the sight of the person he always loved to see.

“Y/N?” Spencer said, his mood shifting completely. 

“Hi Spence!” She said.

Spencer placed the mug of coffee back on the counter before rushing forward and wrapping Y/N in his arms. As he hugged her, he lifted her up from the floor and spun her around causing her to laugh in his ear. 

“I thought you weren’t getting back until next week?” Spencer questioned, setting her back down on her feet, arms lingering around her. 

“Well our vacation was cut short as someone forgot to book out the hotel room for an extra week so we came back early.” Y/N explained.

“I’m sorry, I know you were excited.” Spencer said, stepping back from her.

Y/N waved him off, “It doesn’t matter anyways, a week was enough. And besides I missed everyone,” Y/N reached up and messed up Spencer’s hair, “Speaking of which, where is everyone?”

“Not here yet, I came in early.” Spencer answered. 

“Huh, that explains it,” Y/N said, “Now come and tell me how you survived without me for a week.” 

Y/N grabbed onto Spencer’s hand and dragged him back to his desk. He watched as she did this with loving eyes. He had known her for seven years and in all that time, he had never stopped loving her, even if he knew that she didn’t love him in the same way.

Seven Years Ago (April 2010)

The team were on a case and it happened to be Y/N’s first one. Her and Spencer had been tasked with doing the geographical profile and they had found out quickly that they worked well together. Spencer, however, was finding it difficult to take his eyes away from Y/N. Of course he still did the work that needed to be done but every so often he would find his gaze drifting towards her. 

Spencer knew that he needed to stop. The two of them worked together and he couldn’t jeopardise his job over something as little as a silly crush. He didn’t even think he could call it a silly crush, he just found Y/N attractive. And calling it a crush when he was thirty was silly in his eyes.

Both of their attention was diverted to Y/N’s phone that rang for the third time in the past five minutes. Letting out a huff, Y/N picked it up and went to hang up.

“Take it.” Spencer said.

“What?” Y/N questioned.

“Take the call,” Spencer stated, “I’m fine with doing this myself for a few minutes.”

Y/N gave him a smile before answering and stepping out of the room for a little more privacy. Spencer, as much as he tried to stop himself, drifted his gaze to where Y/N was standing outside the room. A wide smile was present on her face as she talked with whoever it was on the phone. Spencer hadn’t noticed who the caller ID was, it could have been a parent, sibling, friend. Spencer wasn’t normally the curious type but when it came to Y/N, he was.

A few minutes passed and Y/N hung up the phone and stepped back into the room. Throwing her phone back down onto the table. There was a smile on her face that clearly wasn’t there before. 

“Who was that?” The question came tumbling out of Spencer’s mouth before he could stop himself. 

“Oh it was just James, my husband.” Y/N answered. 

Spencer felt his heart break. He had no idea she was married. She didn’t wear a wedding ring and she hadn’t said anything that had even indicated that she was married. Even though he had just met her, Spencer felt this pull towards her and hearing that she was married broke that pull ever so slightly. 

“I didn’t know you were married?” Spencer said, suddenly avoiding eye contact.

“Yep,” Y/N answered, not noticing the shift in Spencer’s behaviour, “Coming up a year now. I don’t wear my wedding ring at work because I’m afraid I’ll lose it.”

“Well congratulations.” Spencer said, giving her a tight lipped smile. 

“Thanks Spence.” Y/N smiled, the same smile that had caused his knees to go weak before. 

Spencer gave her a small nod in acknowledgement before turning back to the map he was studying. 

Present day (January 2018)

Y/N was sitting on top of Spencer’s desk, her legs crossed over one another. Spencer remained seated in his chair. Her foot occasionally brushed his thigh. He wanted to move away although he knew that she would ask what was wrong and he didn’t have an answer prepared for that question. 

“So, how much did everyone miss me?” Y/N questioned.

“A lot,” Spencer answered truthfully, “You’re here everyday all day, it was hard not to miss you.”

“Now you know what it’s like when you go off teaching.” Y/N joked, nudging Spencer’s thigh with her foot.

“But the difference is that you call me everyday asking how I am.” Spencer replied, a smile playing on his lips.

“Well I have to make sure grading all those papers doesn't make you go insane, even if you do it in probably like ten minutes.” Y/N chuckled.

Spencer laughed along with her. He never realised how much he missed her until this moment. The two have talked practically everyday for the past seven years, the only exception being when he was in prison, even then she visited him every opportunity she could. 

“So, how’s James?” Spencer questioned.

Almost immediately, the joking atmosphere surrounding the two dispersed leaving a slightly uncomfortable one. It would be hard to notice but due to Spencer knowing Y/N so well, he easily noticed something was off about her.

“Oh, well he’s fine.” Y/N replied.

“You sure?” Spencer pushed, knowing that something was the matter with her. 

“Yeah, everything is fine.” Y/N said bluntly, casting her gaze downward. 

Spencer leaned forward so he was in her direct eyeline, “Y/N, if there is anything wrong, you can tell me.”

Y/N gave him a small reassuring smile, “I know Spence, but everything is fine.” 

Seven Years Ago (September 2010)

Everything wasn’t fine. Spencer was extremely worried. Y/N had been abducted by the unsub and Spencer blamed himself. Everyone knew that the unsub had been targeting women that had a very close resemblance to Y/N and Spencer, after escorting her home, left her before she even made it into her apartment block. 

His leg bounced up and down as the team sat around the round table. Spencer could feel the sympathetic stares from everyone around the table. They all knew about his unrequited crush on Y/N, they never said anything about it but they knew.

“Where’s my wife?” 

Everyone’s attention was suddenly snapped to the owner of the voice. They all knew it as they had all met Y/N’s husband a couple of times before. One by one, they exited the round table room and approached James. 

James’s head snapped up when the team approached him, “Where is she?” He asked desperately. 

“We don’t know.” Hotch stated, trying to calm the man down.

Spencer shrunk back. He knew that he should have waited until she was safely in her apartment black. He should have walked her up the several flights of stairs himself to make sure she got there safely. The genius didn’t know what he was thinking when he bid goodbye to her outside the apartment block. Maybe it was the fact that she looked beautiful with the light of the streetlamps caressing her face, maybe distracted him. 

Once everyone dispersed, leaving James to sit on his own, Spencer approached him.

“It was my fault.” Spencer said.

“Sorry?” James said, lifting his head up to look at Spencer.

“I was walking her back to your apartment block and I didn’t watch to see if she got in safely,” Spencer confessed, avoiding eye contact at all costs, “I’m so sorry.”

James raised to his feet, he was slightly shorter than Spencer but the boy genius couldn’t help but feel intimidated.

James clasped a firm hand on Spencer’s shoulder and he flinched slightly, “Don’t apologise, only apologise if you can’t find her. If you’re as smart as she says you are, you can figure it out.”

Spencer's mouth opened and closed as James walked away to calm himself down. There was nothing he could say at that moment, all he knew was that he needed to get Y/N back.

***

A day had passed and the team had tracked down the unsub to an old abandoned warehouse. As they all searched for Y/N, Spencer couldn’t help but wonder if they were too late. He knew that he shouldn’t think of things like that but he couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t imagine his life without Y/N in it. The two had only known each other for a few months but the two had become attached at the hip while they were at work. 

After what felt like forever, they finally found Y/N strapped to a table - not moving. Spencer rushed forward while everyone else searched for the unsub. Frantically he checked for a pulse, sighing in relief when he felt one. She was only knocked out. 

“Y/N?” Spencer gently shook her.

“Y/N?” He shook her slightly harder and she began to stir. 

Opening her eyes, the first thing she saw was Spencer, “Spencer?” She mumbled.

“It’s me, it’s me.” Spencer said, unstrapping her from the table. 

Once he had released her, Y/N threw her arms around his neck. Spencer’s arms wrapped around her waist pulling her against him. Pulling away after a moment, Y/N pressed a small kiss to Spencer’s cheek, “Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” Spencer questioned, a red tinge coating his face.

“For saving me.” Y/N responded before trying to shuffle off the table.

“Careful,” Spencer said, inspecting her body for any injuries, “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Y/N said, “He didn’t really do anything too drastic. Gave me a couple punches and injected me with something that knocked me out, but other than that I’m fine.”

“You still have to get checked out.” Spencer said as the two began to exit the warehouse.

Y/N groaned, “Really?” 

“Really.” Spencer answered and Y/N let out another groan.

Back at the BAU, James paced around waiting for the team to return with Y/N. When the elevator doors opened and Y/N stepped out with the rest of the team, James practically sprinted over to her and pulled her into his arms. He whispered reassuring words into her ear as the team watched the two reunite. Spencer, who had been standing near the back of the group, watched the two with hurt in his eyes, wishing that it were him holding her like that. 

Present day (January 2018)

Days had passed since Y/N had returned and practically every night she went out with everyone. She missed being with everyone. Spencer even joined them to the surprise of everyone, but they all knew that the only reason he was there was because of Y/N.

“So Y/N, how was your vacation?” Tara questioned.

“It was relaxing, a week away from hunting down serial killers, it was great.” Y/N answered, taking a sip of her drink.

“Come on it had to be more than great,” Penelope said, “You and James haven’t had quality alone time in ages, tell us more about that.”

“I don’t think everyone needs to hear about my sex life.” Y/N stated, chuckling. 

“Fine,” Penelope huffed, “But you’re telling me later.”

“Speaking of James, where is he?” Emily questioned, “I haven’t seen him in ages and we are due for another drinking contest.”

“He was busy tonight,” Y/N answered, “A friend of his came to visit so he’s gone to his house for the week.”

Spencer noticed that as Y/N spoke, she fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist, a habit he knew that indicated she was lying. He took a sip of his water, deciding not to bring it up in front of everyone. 

“That’s fair but tell him that next time he better be here.” Emily said finishing off her drink. 

“Yes boss.” Y/N stated.

Spencer watched her behaviour for the rest of the night. Y/N seemed a little more closed off after the conversation about James. She didn’t accept any more alcoholic drinks, she only drank water for the rest of the night and she didn’t get up and dance when everyone else did, she remained at Spencer’s side. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” Spencer questioned, raising his voice so he could be heard over the music. 

Y/N looked at the others before nodding, “Yes please.”

The two bid goodbye to everyone and headed out into the cold night air. Y/N wrapped her arms around herself, the dress she wore did nothing to cover her arms. Without hesitation, Spencer took his jacket off and draped it around her shoulders. Y/N gave him a small smile and muttered a ‘thank you’.

“Do you want a ride?” Y/N questioned.

“Only if you’re sober.” Spencer said.

“I only had one drink and that was over an hour ago, I’m pretty sure I’m fine to drive.” Y/N said and climbed into the driver's seat while Spencer climbed in the passenger seat.

Spencer knew that there was something up with Y/N. Normally the car would be filled with chatter, instead the car was filled with a deafening silence. Y/N tapped the side of the steering wheel as she drove, a habit Spencer knew she did when something was bothering her. 

“What was up with you tonight?” Spencer questioned, he knew that there were many other ways he could have rephrased that question, instead he went for the blunt option. 

“Nothing, I’m fine.” Y/N replied bluntly. 

“Something obviously is.” Spencer said. He had noticed that every time James was brought up she began to act strangely. She would become quieter and more distant - she didn’t act like herself. 

“Is it James?” Spencer asked.

Y/N visibly stiffened and clutched the steering wheel tighter, “No.” She lied.

“Y/N, if something is wrong you can tell me.” Spencer said softly.

“Nothing is the matter.” Y/N said, eyes staring out at the road in front of her.

“We both know that’s not the truth,” Spencer said, “You can tell me.”

Suddenly Y/N pulled over, causing Spencer to become confused. He looked over to her and she had tears pooling in her eyes. Immediately he pulled her into a hug. It was slightly awkward due to their positions in the car but neither of them cared. Y/N needed comfort in that moment and Spencer needed to comfort her.

“We split up.” Y/N mumbled into Spencer’s chest.

“What?” Spencer asked.

“We split up,” Y/N said again, “Nearly six months ago.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Spencer asked but the question he wanted to ask was ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Y/N said, “We’ve been trying to work out our relationship, that’s why we went on that vacation but it didn’t work. We argued on the first day and didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the week, only to arrange flights home.”

“Is that why you came back a week early?” Spencer asked and he felt Y/N nod, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but why did you split up?”

Y/N sighed and pulled away from Spencer, wiping her eyes, “We’ve been drifting apart for a while, James always accused me of being more married to my job than him,” Y/N began to explain, “It wasn’t until you were in prison where we began to distance ourselves more. It was my fault really, I spent all my time trying to find a way to get you out of prison that I didn’t make any time for him.”

Spencer looked down at his hands, “So it was my fault you two separated?” Many emotions flooded through Spencer. If he wasn’t so close with Y/N then she wouldn’t have spent all her time trying to find a way to get him out of prison. 

“No!” Y/N exclaimed, “God no! Spencer this was in no way your fault. It was mine, like he said, I was married to my job, not him,” Spencer still didn’t look up from his hands. Y/N reached out and took his hands in hers, “I know you think this was your fault but it wasn't. We were growing apart long before you went to prison, we fell out of love a long time ago.”

Spencer looked up, making eye contact with Y/N once again. His heart broke at the sight. Her eyes were bloodshot and her eyes were red around the outside from her rubbing them. And there he sat feeling guilty for two reasons. One being that he blamed himself for the two splitting up and the second being that he should be the one comforting her, not the other way around. 

“The divorce papers came through this morning.” Y/N said, looking down at her and Spencer’s entwined hands. 

Spencer’s hands squeezed Y/N’s lightly, offering her some comfort. She squeezed his back and held onto it. No words were spoken, the silence and the warm feeling of Spencer’s hand in hers was enough for Y/N. The two sat there for what felt like forever. Spencer wanted to break the silence but he didn’t have a clue of what to say. 

“I was lying by the way.” Y/N spoke up.

“About what?” Spencer questioned.

“When I said James was staying with a friend,” Y/N stated, “He moved out a while ago. I’ve been living on my own since.”

“You could’ve told me.” Spencer said.

“I know,” Y/N states, looking at Spencer with teary eyes, “But I thought that there was a chance that we could’ve fixed our marriage. If we did then we could just put it behind us and not tell anyone. It was stupid of me not to tell you.”

“It wasn’t stupid, don’t ever think it was stupid,” Spencer said, holding tightly onto Y/N’s hand, “You and James may not have been able to save your marriage and that was a personal problem, don’t call yourself stupid for not telling anyone about it.” 

Y/N gave Spencer a tight lipped smile, “Thank you Spencer, for always being there for me.”

“Of course, where else would I be?” Spencer said softly. 

Y/N retracted her hand from Spencer’s. Spencer immediately felt the cold air hit it, wanting nothing more than to reach out and grab her hand again. He watched as she softly wiped her eyes dry of any tears before turning back to him.

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Anything.” Spencer replied.

“Can you stay with me tonight? We can stop by your apartment and get some of your clothes, it’s just that I don’t want to be alone, I have for the past few months and I don’t want that anymore, at least not tonight.”

Spencer gave Y/N a soft smile before nodding his head, “Of course.”

As Y/N pulled back out onto the road, Spencer watched her out of the corner of his eye. The amount of love he had for her was through the roof. He knew that he would never tell her what he really felt, he wouldn’t jeopardise their friendship over it. As long as he had Y/N in his life, that was all he could ever want, even if he continued to love her the way he did. 

SPENCER REID TAGLIST:

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[joshjacksons]

Joshua Jackson interview with "Mr Porter" (2021)

Minutes before Mr Joshua Jackson joins me in a booth for a Friday afternoon drink at a vibey hotel bar in Santa Monica, he’s confronted by his past. Or rather, a woman in her early twenties who is binge-watching Dawson’s Creek, the teen show about a close-knit group of high-school friends coming of age in a sleepy American town, which made Jackson incredibly famous between 1998 and 2003. The series, which also made household names of Ms Michelle Williams and Ms Katie Holmes, went off air 18 years ago, but is now streaming on Netflix, to the bemusement of Jackson, who played lovable rogue Pacey Witter. “This girl was like, ‘Are you...?’ And I’m like, ‘Yes, I am. He got old. I’m sorry to break it to you,’” he says, before ordering an iced tea and a charcuterie board to tide him over until dinner time. “It always surprises me when young people say they’ve just got into Dawson’s Creek. I’m like, ‘Is it a costume drama to you? Do you feel like you’re watching a historical documentary?’”

The idea of a Friends-style reunion episode or a Sex And The City revival feels equally far-fetched to Canadian-born Jackson, now 43 and wearing it well in a pale green linen shirt and tailored linen trousers by Oliver Spencer that complement his fading brown hair and Cali-tanned skin.

“I don’t know why you’d want to [bring it back],” he says. “Nobody needs to know what those characters are doing in middle age. We left them in a nice place. Nobody needs to see that Pacey’s back hurts. I don’t think we need that update.”

And Jackson doesn’t need Dawson’s Creek. From Mr JJ Abrams’ sci-fi series Fringe (2008-2013) to the Golden Globe award-winning The Affair (2014-2019), from Ms Ava DuVernay’s ground-breaking true-crime drama When They See Us (2019) to the recent Ms Reese Witherspoon and Ms Kerry Washington-produced Little Fires Everywhere (2020), he has commanded the small screen – with a collection of dynamic and diverse work – ever since.

His latest role as Mr Christopher Duntsch, the Texas surgeon convicted of gross malpractice when 33 of his patients were left seriously injured after he operated on them and two of them died, in chilling Peacock crime drama Dr Death, is only stepping his career up another gear.

“I’ve never played anyone irredeemable before,” says Jackson, who is joined in the eight-part series (based on the 2018 Wondery podcast of the same name) by Messrs Christian Slater and Alec Baldwin. “He is charming, gregarious and has a high-level intellect, but he’s also a misogynist, probably a sociopath, certainly a narcissist and a complete incompetent who is incapable of seeing himself.”

If Duntsch is terrifying, then Jackson’s portrayal is even more so. The artist formerly known as Pacey is virtually unrecognisable (thanks to prosthetics) in the opening scene, but the real challenge for Jackson was allowing himself to view someone who is so “spectacularly evil” as a human being in order to walk in his shoes. “It’s a more damning portrayal of the man to make him into a human being, rather than just make him the bad guy,” he says. “He really believes he’s the hero, he’s the genius and that he’s the victim, so once I got past my own judgment, all the other things fell into place.”

Jackson might have his pick of stellar roles – and challenges – now, but it has not happened by accident. Take it from someone who has been in the business since landing his first job aged 14 in Disney’s live-action movie series The Mighty Ducks, opposite Brat Pack alumnus Mr Emilio Estevez.

“You try to make it look like it happens accidentally,” he says, “but there is no way to do this and not be ambitious. I’d say I’m extremely ambitious because I’ve been doing this cutthroat job for nearly 30 years. I’m in the pay-off phase of my career now. One of the benefits of surviving for as long as I have is you get to learn from your own mistakes.”

Such as? “I wouldn’t say, ‘I wish I hadn’t done that,’ because it all becomes bricks in a path, but [after Dawson’s Creek] I was not choosy enough about the things I was doing. You get stuck. You start trying to perform the performance you think people are hoping to see you do. I was so used to working all the time that I just worked all the time. There was definitely a conscious moment in my mid-twenties when I realised I wasn’t really enjoying the work that I was doing. My manager at the time just said, ‘Take a breath. You’re burnt out.’”

The turning point came in 2005, when Jackson was offered a role in the two-hander Mr David Mamet play A Life In The Theatre, opposite Sir Patrick Stewart. “God bless him, Patrick could have made my life miserable because I had no idea what I was doing, ” he says. “I hadn’t been on stage since I was a kid and now I was in the West End in over my head. But it reminded me that I actually enjoyed being an actor, that it’s not about the red carpet or travelling around the world. What I really enjoy is working on good material with good people.”

It’s no surprise Jackson’s time on Dawson’s Creek led to a career crisis. From the ages of 19 to 24, he lived with his fellow cast mates in Wilmington, North Carolina, filming day in, day out, in an arrangement he likens to college. “You get to the end and they’re like, ‘Here’s your degree. Go live now. You’re an adult. Go out into the world,’” he says.

But most graduates don’t have to deal with global fame. “It’s transitory. You’re only ever cool for a moment and then you become much less cool. I was always pretty dubious about flatterers,” he says, recalling a time he was stung in London in the mid-2000s. “I went on a date in Hyde Park with a woman whose name I will not use – she was socialite-famous – and she was acting completely bizarre, looking over her shoulder the whole time. I came to find out that she had hired a photographer to follow us through the park and gave a whole story to the tabloids about how I was going to meet her family.”

It was his growing fortune, rather than fame, that caused Jackson the most anxiety. “Suddenly, at 19 years old, I was making more in a week than most of my friends’ parents would make in a year,” he says. “It was lovely to have the money, but it was that feeling of nobody is worth that kind of money. You feel like a fraud and it took me a long time to forgive myself for not being the thing that I was perceived as.”

Born in Vancouver, but raised in Topanga, California, until he was eight (before moving back to Vancouver following his parents’ divorce), Jackson bought his childhood home in 2001 and lives in it today with his wife, British Queen & Slim actor Ms Jodie Turner-Smith, and their 15-month-old daughter.

“My father unfortunately was not a good father or a husband and exited the scene, but that house in Topanga was where everything felt simple, so it was a very healing thing for me to do,” he says. Fast-forward to 2021 and his baby daughter now sleeps in her father’s childhood bedroom. “There was a mural of a dragon on the wall in that room that I couldn’t believe was still there, years later. The owner [who sold him the house] said, ‘I knew it meant a lot to somebody and that they were going to come back for it some day.’”

Becoming a first-time parent during a pandemic sounds stressful, but it afforded Jackson months at home with his wife and child that his normal work schedule wouldn’t have allowed.

“I now recognise how perverse the way that we have set up our society is,” he says. “There is not a father I know who works a regular job who didn’t go back to the office a week later. It’s robbing that man of the opportunity to bond with his child and spend time with his partner.”

Despite his obvious career ambitions, fatherhood has changed Jackson’s priorities in “every possible way”, he says. “It’s 100 per cent changed how I approach my work and my life. That has been made so clear to me in this past year. For me to feel good about what I’m doing day to day, my family has to be the central focus.

“There are plenty of things left for me to do, but now the thing that gets me excited is experiencing the world through my daughter’s eyes. I can’t wait to take her scuba diving. I can’t wait to take her skiing. I can’t wait to read a great book with her. I’m not worried at all she’ll be a wallflower. She’s been a character from the word go.”

Jackson met Turner-Smith, 34, two days after his 40th birthday. He had been single since his 10-year relationship with German actress Ms Diane Kruger ended in 2016. “I was not looking to fall in love again or meet the mother of my child, but life has other plans for you,” he says.

The couple met at a party. Turner-Smith was wearing the same The Future Is Female Ejaculation T-shirt Ms Tessa Thompson’s character, Detroit, wears in the 2018 film Sorry To Bother You. “That’s what I used to break the ice. I shouted, ‘Detroit!’ across the room. Not the smoothest thing I’ve ever done, but it worked. We were pretty much inseparable from the word go. It was a whirlwind romance and I can tell my daughter I literally saw her mother across a room and thought, ‘I have to be next to this woman.’”

A self-confessed “useless” shopper, Jackson gives his wife full credit for his current wardrobe. He is jewellery-free, apart from a wedding band and a gold signet “JJ” ring on his little finger (a present from his wife), and discovered tailored sweatsuits (by Stampd and Reigning Champ) in the pandemic.

“Jodie has influence in the way that a wonderful wife encourages you, through love, to dress well. She was like, ‘We’re going to throw away all the sweatpants from your past and I’m going to get you some that actually make you look like an adult male and you will still feel comfortable around the house,’ and I’m like, ‘What an amazing idea!’ Who knew you could get sweatsuits that actually look good on your body?”

Jackson’s style has evolved, he says, “from slovenly teen to it’s-nice-when-your-clothes-actually-fit-you”. The penny dropped after he auditioned for his former co-star Estevez, who was directing the 2006 Mr Robert Kennedy biopic Bobby. He said to me, ‘You only got this job because I know you. You came in here to play a very well-put together 1960s political operative and you’re wearing jeans and a hoodie.’

“I had to grow up a little bit. We are very much raised in Canada to never, ever show off, so it took me a while to recognise it’s OK to look good when you go out.”

Still, when you’ve grown up in front of the camera, “every pimple literally documented”, and lived (very successfully) to tell the tale, you can probably be forgiven for the odd fashion faux pas.

“I wore a silk Ascot to an event once in Paris and I still have nightmares about it,” he says. “I looked like Fred from Scooby Doo, but you live and learn.”

[100gayicons]

Roy Scherer, Jr. and Andrew Kelm had a lot in common. They had abusive fathers; their parents marriages ended in divorce; and they spent their formative years living with their mothers. After serving time in the military (Andrew in the Coast Guard, Roy in the Navy) they found their way to Hollywood.

They both became clients of Henry Willson, a talent agent who specialized in making young good looking men into movie stars. Willson always gave his male clients masculine and memorable stage names - Roy became Rock Hudson (and eventually a major star for Universal) and Andrew became Tab Hunter, a future Warner Brothers star. And Rock and Tab both had a secret that could destroy their careers - they were gay.

Tab’s mother was religious and she sent him and his brother to a catholic school. Athletic, Tab developed a love of figure skating, and competed in both singles and pairs. But it was his love of horses that eventually led to an acting career.

Tab was working at a Southern California stable when a crew arrived to take photos of actress Ann Blythe. Actor (later agent) Dick Clayton was on hand and noticed young Andrew and asked him if he ever considered being an actor. Boy, that sounds like a pickup line! A few years later, after Tab’s stint in the Coast Guard, Tab met Clayton again in New York and Clayton immediately began introducing him to people in show business.

That eventual led to a meeting with Henry Willson, an agent with a reputation for making young men into movie stars (among other things he made some of those men do).

Hunter progressed quickly at Warner. He had his first minor role in 1950 (The Lawless) and by 1954 he was the a leading man (Return to Treasure Island) with Linda Darnell as his love interest. Warner Brothers notice his potential in and offered him a contract. He had a hit with his next film too - “Battle Cry” about marines fighting in the Pacific.

But after 4 films with various studios, he became unhappy with Henry Willson and decided to change agents. That would have its consequences.

Meanwhile agent Henry Willson has a big problem. A scandal magazine threaten to publish an article revealing that his star client Rock Hudson was gay. Willson made a deal with the magazine - he would give them dirt on two other actors in exchange for burning the Hudson story. The first was Rory Calhoun who had an arrest record and spent time in a Juvenal prison. Calhoun’s on screen persona was that of a tough guy, so the article just help to prop up his image.

The other actor thrown under the bus was his former client Tab Hunter. In 1950 Hunter had attended a “pajama party for men only” that was raided by the police. Hunter was arrested (along with 20 other young men) and briefly detained. While this could have ended Hunter’s budding career - he was sparred. In fact, only a few months later he was named a promising young new comer in a national poll.

The studio would regularly send him on on public dates with his costars and fabricate sham resonances with rising young starlets.

Over the next few years, while continuing to star in hit films, Hunter experimented with singing and had a #1 record with “Young Love” in 1957. Based on its success, Warner Brothers actually creates a new division (Warner Bros Records) for him to release more albums. They even bought the rights to the Broadway musical “Damn Yankee” for him to star in the film version (1958).

But what if his love life?

In the 1950s Hunter met Olympic figure skater Ronnie Roberts and they started a long term relationship. Hunter, who always loved skating, sponsored Roberts training (athletes then performed under strict amateur guideline).

They spent spent as much time as possible together - once driving cross-country together so Robbiecould attend training in Lake Placid, NY. Hunter became friends with Roberts family too. But the skating world resented Hunter’s presence are events. And this began affecting Roberts scores. The two eventually parted but remain friends.

“I was infatuated with Ronnie.... To most folks, Ronnie and I were good buddies, sharing the ice. Few people considered what else we were sharing.”

Hunter next serious relationship was with fellow actor Anthony Perkins.

“I had a wonderful relationship with him,” Hunter said.

They met at the pool at the Chateau Marmont, and Hunter was immediately attracted to Perkins. The two went on double dates (the photos of which can easily be found on the internet). In them it’s clear the boys paid more attention to each other than the girls.

Venetia Stevenson, a young actress that the studio assigned as Hunter’s beard (fake girlfriend) thought Tab was more in love with Tony than Tony was with Tab. Hunter also felt betrayed when Perkins convinced his Paramount to buy a script for him, knowing that Hunter had already played the role on TV and working working to get Warner to buy the script as well. That was the beginning of the end of their relationship.

“You never really knew Tony 100 percent. There was always a secret side, and he was a bit of a game-player with people’s minds,” said Hunter.

Hunter said of his life in Hollywood, “(it) was difficult for me, because I was living two lives at that time. A private life of my own, which I never discussed, never talked about to anyone. And then my Hollywood life, which was just trying to learn my (craft). There was a lot written about my sexuality, and the press was pretty cruel.”

At this point Hunter was feeling unfulfilled with the other roles the studio offered to him. So by 1959, he bought out his contract with Warner Brothers. The consequences of going out on his own was that he didn’t have the power of the studio promoting him. The quality of his films diminished during the 1960s and 1970s.

But in 1989, Tab Hunter had an unexpected career resurgence. Alt director John Waters asked him to star in “Polyester” opposite the ultimate Drag Queen Divine. Hunter’s his agent tried to convince him not to take the role but he decided, “What have I got to lose?”

The film was such a hit that Hunter decided to produce another film himself, costarring Divine. That effort would proved another turning point in his life.

Waters could only afford Hunter for one week. “I’m sure it was the least Tab Hunter had ever been earned on a film, and it was the most I ever paid an actor,” said Waters. “Polyester” was a hit, reviving Hunter’s film career.

While meeting with studios to raise money for what would eventually be call “Lust in the Dust”, Hunter met Allan Glaser, young executive at Fox. Sparks flew and the two soon became partners. Glaser also took on the role as producer of the film.

Hunter and Glaser settle on a ranch in Southern California when Tab regularly enjoyed horse back riding. Although out to friends, Tab was a private man. So he didn’t come out to the public until 2005 when he published his memoir. Hunter and Glaser married in 2013. The two were together for 35 years until Tab’s death in 2018.

[fangroyal]

Fic Rec Tag Meme

@sitp-recs, I’m terribly late, but this looked way too fun, so I had to join in. Fair warning, y’all, not everything here is Drarry, or even HP (I am a prolific rarepair shipper/multi-fandomer, and Dron is my OTP 😂), so I’ve added the fandoms and pairings below as well. All of these (and many more!) can also be found on my ficshelf! It was so hard to pick these as it was, I couldn’t help but point you in the right direction for all the ones I (sadly, unfortunately) had to cut from the list, lol.

Anyway, thank you so much for running this tag meme, @sitp-recs! It’s been amazing seeing everyone’s recs and discovering new fics! 🖤

• A fic you love without knowing the source material: He Was a Punk, Pete Did Tabletop Roleplay by @mscaptainwinchester Marvel | Peter/Wade | NC-17 | 7.5k

• A fic with a premise that shouldn’t work but it does: Anthony J. Crowley, Retired Demon and Airbnb Superhost by @theoldaquarian Good Omens | Hints of Aziraphale/Crowley | G | 3k All fics are valid and work!! That being said, I had no idea just how much I was going to fall in love with a fic about Crowley being an AirBnB host when I first opened it. 😂

• A fic you’ve reread several times: Department of Magical Creatures Case 62637 by @mscaptainwinchester (under RonsPigwidgeon at the time) HP | Draco/various, Ron/OMC, Ron/Draco | R | 121k How could I expected to only pick ONE?! 😂 I’ve reread everything you’re seeing here - I’ve reread nearly every fic I’ve ever recced at least once. But I couldn’t make a favorites list without this fic, so might as well put it here, haha!

• A fic you still remember many years later: Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble by Sushi HP | Severus/Severus | NC-17 | 8.9k I remembered it so well (and fondly) that after 12+ years, I went scouring the Wayback Machine to find it. And yes, the pairing is correct. Don’t look at me. If you’re still interested in reading after knowing that, hit me up, ‘cause it takes a bit of instruction to find it now.

• A comfort fic: You and I by @shiftylinguini HP | Scorpius/Albus S. | NC-17 | 32k

• A cathartic fic: The Conformity Conspiracy by shrink South Park | Michael/Pete (or Ethan/Dylan, as this was written before they had names in canon) | R | 71k I really struggled with this entry. I came to the realization that...I don’t know if I’ve ever actually felt catharsis from a piece of media before??? Well, I have with music, for sure, but not really with anything else. Anyway, I chose this fic for this slot because every time I read it, I’m transported back to being a goth teen. I can feel every word, every action, like I’m going through those years again with them...Which isn’t necessarily what cathartic means, but fuck it, it works for me, haha. ***As always whenever I rec this fic, I do just have to warn that it’s not properly tagged on AO3, and there is definitely some potentially triggering content in it. If you’re interested in reading and would like to know more (so you can be better prepared), feel free to DM me!***

• A fic you’d print and put on your bookshelf: In Flight, Two Boys by lobst_r HP | Marcus/Oliver | NC-17 | 29K Again, how I could possibly pick only one for this one?! I would print out ALL of these fics if I could, and many more! But this is such a beautiful fic, it definitely deserves a spot on the list, and what better spot for it than this? There’s actually a sequel currently posting as well! I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet, but I’m sure it’s just as amazing, if not more so.

• A fic you associate with a song: You Do Your Body Work, I Feel My Pulse Working Overtime by @veelawings HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 1.6k I mean, it’s in the title. 😜 But also this is just a truly inspiring fic that I absolutely had to include! (I realized I somehow haven’t queued a rec post for it yet, and I will make sure to fix that soon!)

• A fic that inspires you: dirtynumbangelboy by @magpiefngrl HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 39k

• A fic that brought you onboard a new ship: Lumos by birdsofshore HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 41k Some people may be surprised to know that Drarry was, uh.......once my NOTP. Yes, really. 😂 You wouldn’t suspect that nowadays, would you??? LOL. It’s all because of this wonderful, beautiful fic. I saw it getting recced everywhere at the time and said fuck it, I’ll give the pairing another try - and I never looked back!

• A fic you wish could be a movie: Midnight in the City of a Hundred Spires by @shiftylinguini HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 25k

• A fic that led to you making friends with the author: A Weasel in the Hamptons by @peachpety HP | Ron/Draco | NC-17 | 15k I don’t quite know if this counts, because I believe we’d already been speaking before this??? 😂 But of course, being that I’m the mod for Ron/Draco Fest, I knew who was writing for this prompt of mine, and thus we dispensed with the formalities in private, haha! It was a great experience, and I was so overjoyed to see the results in the end. So happy to have met you, love! 😘 Hope you’re well!

• Free Space: The Pizzaria: A Sordid Tale of Destiny, Evil and Garlic by Mad_Maudlin HP | Ron/Draco | PG-13 | 36k A Dron/crack!fic staple, honestly, and I just couldn’t make a favorites list without it!

• A fic you’ve gushed about irl: Runway by @candawrites HP | Ron/Draco | R | 15k

• A fic you associate with a place: Archipelago by Mad_Maudlin HP | Ron/Draco | NC-17 | 18k I just have a very distinct visual memory of reading this fic for the first time: sitting on the couch in my mom’s living room, the sun setting outside. (I was visiting for her bday, I believe???)  I think of that moment every time I see the title.

• A fic that made you gasp out loud: clutched your life and wished it kept by @glitteringvoids HP | Ron/Draco | R | 110K

• A fic you found at the right time: Howlr by @partialtopotter HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 47k I got really sick in summer 2018. I know I’ve talked about it on here a million times at this point, so I won’t dwell. But I ended up finding and reading this fic the following March, and it reawakened my love of fic and fandom that had been lost over the previous months while I was dealing with everything. I hadn’t been reading or writing at all in all that time, and I ended up reading this whole thing in one sitting. I couldn’t put it down! It just made me feel so good, after a long time of not feeling anywhere near good.

• A fic that you would read fic of: In the Garden After Dark by @the-starryknight HP | Draco/Harry | R | 3.5k I just need more of this universe and Draco’s Illusion magic. 😍

• A fic that made you laugh out loud: Why Parvati Patil Must Die by hull1984 HP | Ron/Draco | PG-13 | 39k

• A fic with a line (or two) that you’ve memorized by heart: Hail to the King by Mad_Maudlin HP | Ron/Zacharias, Ron/Zacharias/Draco | NC-17 | 5k

• A fic that gave you butterflies: The Electric Fizzing Prick Pistols, or Whatever by whitmans_kiss HP | Sirius/Remus | PG-13 | 3.8k

• A fic that embodies something that you value in life: Luna Lovegood: Wank Coach for the Long-Since Deceased by yrfrndfrnkly HP | gen | PG-13 | 9.8k This was another difficult category to choose for. Not that I don’t think any fics I’ve read display good values! Of course they do! But I have this weird issue where I don’t, like...project? at all??? So sometimes it’s hard for me to recognize these things in what I read. But eventually I realized it had to be this fic, because I just love the carefree way Luna lives her life here, her job helping people (well, ghosts who could use some sexual release, specifically, but you know), and the wonderful friends she surrounds herself with.

• A favorite AU: Quibbler Unsolved by Leontina HP | Draco/Harry | PG-13 | 17k More of a fusion than an AU, but it’s just fantastic!

• A fic you stayed up too late to finish reading: Grounds for Divorce by @tepre HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 122k

• A fic that made you feel seen: Taste the Rainbow by @maraudersaffair HP | Ginny/Pansy | PG-13 | 639